Funky Cold Embarrassment... Busted by my Grandma

It’s funny how things always come back around, often after many years. Lately, my kids have been dancing around to the soundtracks of “Guardians of the Galaxy” Vol 1 and Vol 2 nonstop. They’re full of old hits from Electric Light Orchestra, Parliament, and Fleetwood Mac, and my kids love it all. One of their favorites hilariously enough, is “Mr. Blue Sky” by Electric Light Orchestra, which I think they’re even making a goofy music video for. It’s been awesome to watch as they each get down to their heart’s content, jumping all over the place without a care in the world. And while those old ‘ 70s tunes may not exactly be the songs of my youth, they’ve got me thinking about all the weird stuff I used to listen to as a kid

Though I started out listening to ‘80s pop jams as a young kid, as I crossed the threshold into my teens, my music tastes changed. Just like everybody else my age, I started to pay a little more attention to the trends, following what was cool. And one thing that was cool- at least to me- was the hilarious hip- hop track “Funky Cold Medina” by Tone Loc. One day, intent on memorizing every lyric, I sat down and wrote each line of the song on a piece of paper. After completing the task, I practiced rapping along for a couple of minutes, left the paper folded up somewhere in my room, and completely forgot about it.

Here’s where the story goes from typical teenage boy behavior to a genuinely cringeworthy situation. Back in those days, my grandma used to come over occasionally and clean our house to help out my mom. One day, she walked into my room and spotted the piece of paper, folded up and tucked away in the corner. As she opened it up and read the words I’d written her eyes widened.

“The girls are all jockin’ at the other end of the bar,” the note went, “havin drinks with some no-name chump, when they know that I’m the star… This is the ‘80s, and I’m down with the ladies” She wondered, “Did Timmy write this all himself?”

She brought the letter to my mom, chuckling. “I think Timmy’s written a love letter to some girl!” I was humiliated, but every time I think of this story today, I start to crack up. Seriously, look up the lyrics sometime to “Funky Cold Madina” and you’ll understand. Some 13- year- old kid writing out those lines in his room straight from his head is one of the most hilarious images I can think of. I mean, my grandma actually thought I wrote this myself:

“Cold coolin’ at a bar, and I’m lookin’ for some action but like Mick Jagger said, I can’t get no satisfaction.

I went up to this girl, she said “Hi, my name is Sheena”

I thought she’d be good to go with a little Funky Cold Medina.

She said ‘I’d like a drink;’ I said, ‘Ehm, okay I’ll go get it’

Then a couples sips, she cold licked her lips, and I knew that she was with it.”

… Really Grandma?